(Actual) Review: September Girls

September Girls

Bennett Madison

Series: None (HALLELUJAH)

Release Date: May 21st, 2013

Publisher: HarperTeen

Number of Pages: 256 

Star Rating: 0 stars

Word Rating: BURN IT NOW

When Sam's dad whisks him and his brother off to a remote beach town for the summer, he's all for it-- at first. Sam soon realizes, though, that this place is anything but ordinary. Time seems to slow down around here, and everywhere he looks, there are beautiful blond girls. Girls who seem inexplicably drawn to him.

Then Sam meets DeeDee, one of the Girls, and she's different from the others. Just as he starts to fall for her, she pulls away, leaving him more confused than ever. He knows that if he's going to get her back, he'll have to uncover the secret of this beach and the girls who live here.

September Girls has inspired me...


...to create a 'no-stars-for-you' shelf on Goodreads, that is. With unbelievably awful writing, a main character who is as big of a dick as the one he feels the need to constantly remind us he has, and a plot with less aim than me that one time I decided to play a round of Call of Duty, September Girls is undoubtedly one of the worst books I have ever read in my life, and the fact that it will be a published novel in less than one month is nothing short of a puzzle to me.

But hey, don't take my word for it (or Steph's, or Debby's, or Ashley's or Molli's, or practically everyone else's), because September Girls, in what feels like an entirely miraculous turn of events, has received glowing reviews from both Kirkus and Publishers Weekly.

I don't know why Kirkus and Publishers Weekly thought September Girls was brilliant and worthy of a glowing review. Quite frankly, I don't know how Kirkus and Publishers Weekly thought September Girls was brilliant and worthy of a glowing review. However, needless to say, my review will not be praising this book's brilliance (mostly because there is no said brilliance to find), nor will it be glowing. The vast majority of my review will be quotes, so that you can experience what it's like to read this book firsthand. There will likely be spoilers in the quotes I've gathered from September Girls posted ahead, but if you've read the aforementioned reviews above, are you really still considering reading this?

I didn't think so. So prepare yourself, because you are about to take a ride on all of the characters' disco sticks the September Girls Virtual Tour.

Good luck, and if you survive, there will be cookies by the exit.

(I cannot make any promises that the main character hasn't put anything in those cookies to make you pass out. But even if he did, god, don't be so rude! After all, he is a poor wittle virgin, you heartless monster.)

First part of the September Girls Virtual Tour: Meet the douchebags characters!

First up is Sam!

"Her eyes were burning: green with gold rings around the pupils. I tried to look away but I found that I could not. I instantly had a raging boner."

"He had clearly entangled himself in that dire pussy-web he'd warned me about on our first night here."

Eligible bachelor number one (for obviously no apparent reason whatsoever. I mean, have you read the above two quotes? He's clearly a charmer...)! He's a douchebag, he's sexist, he blames most things on feminism, he may or may not have an obsession with his penis, he refers to women plainly as 'hos,' 'sluts,' 'bitches,' et cetera, and he is not very attractive, appearance-wise or personality-wise. And get this, Mermaid Bitches--he's a virgin.

Shocker of the year! You'd think with accolades like that the hos and bitches will be lining up to steal his (later to be revealed) magical penis! I don't know about you, but I'm just in absolute shock.

"I wondered if the earth was flat--and if so, where did the water go when it tumbled off the edge? [...] I believe you can't be sure of anything until you've seen it with your own two eyes. And maybe it's just the limitations of photography, but I've seen those pictures of the earth from outer space and it looks flat as a quarter to me."

*gasp* HEY, BITCHES AND SLUTS! LOOK, BITCHES AND SLUTS! He's intelligent, too!

"This morning at the beach was different. I felt the muscles in my shoulder pumping with blood. I felt ocean in my eyelashes and a heaviness in my dick."

*faints* YOU'RE TELLING ME HIS PENIS IS UNNATURALLY HEAVY, TOO? IS THAT EVEN A GOOD THING? COULD THAT BE A SIGN OF AN STD OR ANY OTHER DISEASE? DO I, A HO AND BITCH, CARE?

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT.

The next douchebag to meet is Sam's brother, whose name I forget, so he will be referred to for the rest of the review as That Other Sexist Douchebag!

"You wearing some kind of special cologne or something?" he asked. "You're working some crazy voodoo on those bitches."

"We're getting you laid tonight, bro." Jeff was saying. "I mean, we're getting both of us laid tonight. It's gonna change your life, dude. Dad was hell of right about this place. It's unbelievable, dude. Where the fuck did all these girls come from? I mean, dude. I mean, dude! That fuckin' Kristle, dude."

DUDE. DUDE. SERIOUSLY. DUDE.

"I hope they're already drunk when we get to the party. I hope they are ready for a piece of this." He groped his crotch obnoxiously.

Now it's time to meet Sam's Mother!

I'm sorry, but it seems that Sam's mother is unable to reach us at the moment. Apparently she became a feminist and ran off to Women's Land, due to spending time on Facebook playing Farmville, creating a Tumblr, and reading the SCUM Manifesto.

DAMN YOU, FARMVILLE! Working on the farm clearly showed her that it's okay to get out of the kitchen and not cater to your douchebag children's every needs every minute of every hour of every fucking day.

The nerve on some people these days.

Next up to meet are The Mermaid Bitches. They have names, but you don't need to know them. It's not like they have a purpose in life other than to take away Sam's virginity. In fact, that may just be every single woman in the world's purpose--according to Sam and That Other Sexist Douchebag, that is.

"Did you meet Fiesta yet?" "Who's Fiesta?" "Just some ho."

She may just be some ho, but if her name's any indication, with her it must be a party.

[Love interest on 'hos in the bible'] "I like the parts about hos, even if they always come to a bad end. Eat a fucking apple, you're a ho. Open a box, you're a ho. Some guy looks at you: turn to stone, ho. See you later, ho. It's always the same. The best one is Lilith--also a ho, but a different kind of ho. She went and got her own little thing going, and for that she gets to be an eternal demon queen, lucky her. No one likes a ho. Except when they do, which, obviously, is most of the time. Doesn't make a difference; she always gets hers eventually."

Well isn't that... nice.. Thanks so much for sharing, DeeDee.

"Total ho, by the way--not that I'm judging; I actually like hos myself. Maybe I am one--I barely know what counts anymore. Being blond certainly never helped anyone's case."

Oh, you're not done? Oh... okay..

The next stop on the September Girls Virtual Tour is the plot--oooooh!

There is none--moving on.

Oh wait, no! *slaps head* That's right--September Girls is a beautiful novel depicting the plights of a young, asshole virgin trying to choose who to have sex with in a sea full of hos, bitches, and sluts, ultimately saving them from their awful lives with his magical fairy penis.

My bad!

Lastly on the September Girls Virtual Tour is the moral of September Girls!

I've had this conversation with Steph as to what the moral of September Girls could possibly be, but I think there are many valuable things to learn from this novel.

1) Never be the first of your friends to read a book. Always wait until someone else has given their judgment. If not, you'll just be stuck reading this.

2) Don't be a ho, because they always meet their end.

3) Don't eat apples or open boxes. If you do, you're asking for it, you silly ho, you.

4) For the love of god, don't play Farmville.

5) Always be nice to virgins. No matter what, in the end, they won't be the ones to fuck you over.

(Pun absolutely intended.)