Quote Review: September Girls

September Girls
Bennett Madison
Series: None (HALLELUJAH)
Release Date: May 21st, 2013
Publisher: HarperTeen
Number of Pages: 256 
Star Rating: 1 star
Word Rating: DUDE

When Sam's dad whisks him and his brother off to a remote beach town for the summer, he's all for it-- at first. Sam soon realizes, though, that this place is anything but ordinary. Time seems to slow down around here, and everywhere he looks, there are beautiful blond girls. Girls who seem inexplicably drawn to him.

Then Sam meets DeeDee, one of the Girls, and she's different from the others. Just as he starts to fall for her, she pulls away, leaving him more confused than ever. He knows that if he's going to get her back, he'll have to uncover the secret of this beach and the girls who live here.

This review--if you could call it one, because it's really not--is much different from my normal reviews. As opposed to a coherent, and, in this case, snarky review, I'm just going to post a handful of quotes I've gathered while reading September Girls (yes, only a handful--there are a lot more), that practically epitomize why I hate this book so much. Odds are there will be an actual and snarky review to come soon enough and to be posted on the blog, but until then, enjoy these quotes. Or don't. Because you won't. Possible spoilers ahead. 

"I consider myself a pretty sociable person, but sometimes I feel best being sociable with myself. I guess that's why I enjoy masturbation."

"I wondered if the earth was flat--and if so, where did the water go when it tumbled off the edge? [...] I believe you can't be sure of anything until you've seen it with your own two eyes. And maybe it's just the limitations of photography, but I've seen those pictures of the earth from outer space and it looks flat as a quarter to me."

"Her eyes were burning: green with gold rings around the pupils. I tried to look away but I found that I could not. I instantly had a raging boner."

"There's nothing sicker to me than the smell of ketchup--dried ketchup especially--but I'll be real with you. She was gorgeous."

"You wearing some kind of special cologne or something?" he asked. "You're working some crazy voodoo on those bitches."

"We're getting you laid tonight, bro." Jeff was saying. "I mean, we're getting both of us laid tonight. It's gonna change your life, dude. Dad was hell of right about this place. It's unbelievable, dude. Where the fuck did all these girls come from? I mean, dude. I mean, dude! That fuckin' Kristle, dude." DUDE.

"Kristle was in my room and she was naked. I thought I was dreaming at first, but I rubbed my eyes and sat up in bed, she was standing motionless, arms at her sides, her body hard and glowing like a statue made of moon rock." (Moon rock, people. He said she looked like fucking moon rock.)

"This morning at the beach was different. I felt the muscles in my shoulder pumping with blood. I felt ocean in my eyelashes and a heaviness in my dick."

"It was close enough to walk--everything around here was close enough to walk, if you had time--so we were walking."

"Did you meet Fiesta yet?" "Who's Fiesta?" "Just some ho."

[Insert long passage on the hos in the bible and how nobody likes a ho which I'm too lazy to copy here]

"What about your mom?" I asked again. "Where is she? Is she dead?" "No. Not really. It's hard to explain. She's around, I guess. She's just very distracted or something." "Come on," I said like the pushy asshole I am. "Tell."

"Kristle tried to do it with me." I said. DeeDee didn't flinch. "I know," she said. "She told me. Typical ho."

"The one thing I knew was that I loved Kristle." (This is much, much more frustrating in context.)

NO.