Discussion Review: All That Glows by Ryan Graudin

All That Glows
Ryan Graudin
Series: All That Glows, #1
Released: February 11th, 2014
Publisher: HarperTeen
Rating: 1.5 stars
Word Rating: LOLOLOL
Reviewed by: Blythe and Mel

Emrys—a fiery, red-headed Fae—always embraced her life in the Highlands, far from the city’s draining technology, until she’s sent to London to rejoin the Faery Guard. But this isn’t any normal assignment—she’s sent to guard Prince Richard: Britain’s notorious, partying bad boy and soon-to-be King. The prince’s careless ways and royal blood make him the irresistible for the dark spirits that feed on mortals. Sweet, disheveled, and alive with adventure—Richard is one charge who will put Emrys’s magic and heart to the test.

When an ancient force begins preying on the monarchy, Emrys must hunt through the London’s magical underworld, facing down Banshees, Black Dogs and Green Women to find the one who threatens Richard’s life. In this chaos of dark magic, palace murders and paparazzi, Emrys finds herself facing an impossible choice. For despite all her powers, Emrys has discovered a force that burns brighter than magic: love.

Blythe: I almost love this book for being so bad and unintentionally hilarious.

Mel: OMG yes! Which means this discussion is going to be full of snark. Loads of it.

Blythe: Oh, but of course. And it's not like I had expected this book to be mind-blowing in any particular way, but OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS THIS BOOK? 

Mel: I KNOW. It's like Shatter Me's writing; only a thousand times worse. 

Blythe: Honestly, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard while reading a book. So hysterically awful. ALL OF THE METAPHORS, YOU GUYS. ALL OF THEM. You think of a metaphor, it's in here.

Mel: I was actually reading this one when I was on the plane back home. I wanted to puke right there (mostly because of the romance), and all over the person sitting next to me.

Blythe: Hey, puking is Emrys' thing.

The sourness in my mouth gets worse--spills out.

Blythe: Everyone, watch out for the puddle of sourness on the floor.

Mel: She's pretty damn good at it, considering all the times she describes it spilling out of her.

Blythe: "The bile flew out of me, like a cascade of green-brown water, dripping over the rocks that are my limbs." That's basically summarizes the writing style in this book. [Not an actual quote, but something I wrote to make a point.]

Mel: She should enter a vomiting contest. She'd win first prize! She must teach me too, she'd be like, "Just let it all flow out, like a ribbon of water, yes, get that bile working!"

Blythe: Oh, she's the best. It's admirable, really. I'm surprised she wasn't considered for the Bridesmaids bathroom scene, to be honest. It's a shame. But seriously, this is some of the most hardcore insta-love I've ever read.

Mel: I know. It's so freaking stupid, cheesy and ugh. 

Something about Richard is different from the others I've guarded. Something connects us: something dangerous and electric. 

*

"He's different..." I don't know how to go on. Many things, like the strange jolts that seized me when our eyes met [...]

Blythe: And this is after they've spoken, like, two sentences to each other.

Mel: OH, but what about: 

“I like you, Embers. You’re…how do I put this? I feel like I’ve known you a long time. Like we were meant to meet.”

Mel: And that nickname. WHAT IS WITH THAT NICKNAME?

Blythe: YES. Embers? Embers? Let's not. BUT WAIT ALSO: 

"I couldn't stop thinking about you, Embers. Your being gone was ... agony. I never stopped seeing your face."

Blythe: Yeah, it must be tough to be estranged from your girlfriend of a week. Such agony. SUCH. AGONY. 

Mel: Yeah, I know right?

Blythe: I mean, I'll admit I did think some of their romance was cute, but the rest was so cliché and frustrating. And Richard and Emrys are just so BLAND. By themselves, and with each other. It's like the only thing that pertains to either of the personalities is each other. 

Mel: So true. I bet Emrys owns one of these: 

Mel: And it's a better nickname, too. 

Blythe: Such a Mary Sue. At least Richard started off somewhat interesting, with the party-animal-deviant thing going for him, but of course that went away RIGHT AFTER MEETING EMRYS. Because she just has the power to change him as a person THAT MUCH.

Mel: YEAH. It reminds me of those stupid romances where the bad guy turns good not just for his girl, but because of his girl.

Blythe: Exactly. But at least that usually happens over time in those books, even though it's painful either way. This was just like OH BECAUSE I MET YOU I'M A CHANGED PERSON; ALCOHOL IS THE DEVIL'S JUICE. LET'S GO TO CHURCH. PRAISE JESUS!

Mel: There's just no build up to ANYTHING in here. Not to the romance, the character arcs, anything.

Blythe: And let's just mention this, which happened A DAY AFTER THEY MET:

Some of these mortal girls are quite pretty, revealing even more leg and bigger smiles every time Richard looks toward the crowd. But his eyes find me every time. 

Blythe: Curse those sluts, showing more leg than Emrys! But haha! Their promiscuity has nothing on her natural, modest beauty! Suck it, leg-bearing sluts!

Mel: And notice how it's "quite" pretty. No one is prettier than Emrys!

Blythe: Also notice how one of the "bad guys" of the novel are beautiful women that lure men to them with their beauty. It's basically all, "Don't mess with the promiscuous women, Richard. Nothing good can come out of promiscuity." That's practically it.

Mel: I KNOW. What. Even.

Blythe: And let's not forget that one of the first things in the book is an attempted rape on Emrys. It serves TWO purposes: to show Emrys' beauty even MORE, and for Richard to defend Emrys! Wow!

Mel: BUT BUT BUT! Richard saves her, even though he's absolutely wasted at the time.

Blythe: Brilliant! And who cares that Emrys is SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND A FAE. Because what does that matter when you have a drunk teenage boy can protect you! Because WHY NOT?

Mel: It totally works! And what did you think about the world-building?

Blythe: The world-building wasn't as awful as everything else, honestly. But it wasn't good, either. It was just the basics. Like, there's a court of Fae. There was an ancient deal, so now Fae have to guard the royal family. That's it. That's really all there is to the world-building. It's pretty much every standard Fae barebones you can possibly think of, but with the addition of royal family guardians. 

Mel: I know, I wanted more intricacy. I want to know more of the history beyond Mab.

Blythe: This is pretty much the world-building in a gif:

Mel: The writing, too. Which is your favourite part of the novel, correct?

Blythe: OH, THE WRITING. Actually, yes, because it's just so damn hysterical. *cracks knuckles* Let's do some commentary, shall we? Let's start with the WAIT-WHAT'S-GOING-ON-WITH-MY-BODY writing.

My throat becomes a desert. 

Mel: Yep, totally stretching my imagination there.

Blythe: Desert throat is actually a very severe condition affecting many Fae worldwide. It's tragic, really. So tragic, Sarah MacLachlan is filming a commercial about it AS WE SPEAK.

Mel: See, I never knew that.

Blythe: We've both learned something today. Let's pray for Emrys and her throat.

Mel: Amen. 

Blythe: NEXT!

The human and the Fae writhe inside me, snapping and hissing down dragon flame.

Blythe: Don't you hate it when a human and Fae have a fight inside you? UGH, THE WORST.

Mel: Worst of the worst.

Blythe: 

Fun fact: that child in Love Actually was really Richard. THE AGONY.

For a fleeting moment I'm giddy, until I feel the strain of tendon and aorta. 

Mel: *clutches stomach* Stop guys! We must cooperate. *gasps for breath* How does one even feel the strain of the aorta and tendon?

Blythe: Girl needs to get checked out. Leaking bile, strained aorta and tendon, people fighting inside of her, and her throat is a desert. 

I force my paws into inching slowness.

Blythe: AND NOW SHE HAS PAWS SOMEONE GIVE THIS GIRL A BREAK. 

Mel: Damn, should've described which animal's paws.

Blythe: Well, a few pages later it does say something about a bird's paws, but last time I checked birds DON'T have paws, believe it or not. But then again I've never been to England. But also something birds don't do?

[...] the swaggering bird [...]

Blythe: THAT.

Mel: England must have an interesting species of birds. I WANT TO GO THERE.

Blythe: 

It's like I'm diving into him, swimming down, down and never coming up for air.

Blythe: So right now I'm picturing Emrys kissing Richard and then suddenly she starts to literally climb down his throat, seeking refuge there forever. And as she's down his throat she's like, "Whoa, this isn't a desert. I'm staying!" 

Mel: Is she a ghost now too, to climb down his throat?

Blythe: I'm going to say no, just because it's more entertaining that way.

If he says yes, promises to be with you always and gives you everything you want, will he be enough? Will the hole be filled?

Blythe: Um...no comments necessary, I think. 

Mel: None whatsoever.

Finally the cemetery gate swims into my exhausted eyes. 

Blythe: Well sorry, but not all gates can be Michael Phelps, Emrys. 

Mel: You've got to let the gates take their time!

Blythe: WAIT I HAVE A GOOD QUOTE TO END THIS WITH. 

The moon is a newborn crying in the night sky.

Blythe: This book is on LSD. Really.

Mel: YES! Absolutely. 

Blythe: Goodnight moon, goodnight chairs, goodnight shitty books, everywhere.